The Declarer (Floyd McWilliams' Blog)

Sunday, February 01, 2004

I grade the Super Bowl commercials:

Ford: Pace Car of the entire company. Yawn.D-
Bud Light "What can your dog do?" Attacks someone's genitals. Very classy.D
Jenkins the Alien says "Use FedEx." Clever.A-
Got a monkey on your back? Okay commercial until the car appeared.C-
Bears want to buy Pepsi. Uhuh. D
Quattro has four blades!?!? Unbelievably ... retarded.D-
AOL powers the speed bike. Funny characters. Nice shot of the bike jumping 200 feet.B
Van Helsing fights ... everybody. (I asked where "Van Helsing" came from and my friend Mike said from Dracula ... in which he served as comic relief.) Note: All movie ads were incoherent and cluttered and were rated D.D
Nasty looking pimp guy enjoys Bud Light and bikini wax.C+
The movie Troy gets bonus for classical theme. Still fairly incoherent.D+
It's the Willie Nelson advice doll! How come he never told someone to smoke a few?B
Ad for the Areo automobile. Why are there two ads? And why, in the second ad, do people shrink? That's a great image: "I'll buy this car and be turned into a midget."D
I lied when I said all movies started out with a D grade. All Adam Sandler movies start out with a F. Points deducted for assuming that watching Drey Barrymore beat on someone with a metal bar would amuse or interest us.F-
Referee zones out because he is henpecked at home. If you thought this was funny, please read a year's supply of The Lockhorns.F
Monster reminds us that all peoples wake up in the morning. Then there is a hideous fat green cartoon thing dancing.D
Bagpipes player needs cooling down. Awful, but the kid having his eyes shielded is kind of funny. C-
Miracle on Ice. Incoherent and ludicrous; did every hockey match in the 1980 Olympics involve shouting and a trillion flags?D-
Levitra. Okay, this is the worst series of ads ever. You spent like $100 million developing a drug and the best you can do is to have Mike Ditka throw a football through a tire? And what's up with Ditka ragging on baseball? Does it make sense to alienate a large part of your audience? No. Would baseball be better, or more like football, if the players had erections at gametime? No. Did any baseball executive waste about fifty draft picks on Ricky Williams, only to find out he was a flop? No.F
A donkey wants to be a Budweiser donkey. A little silly when he hee-haws, but pretty funny.A-
The Alamo. A movie.D
Downloaded teens will download more music legally through the auspices of Pepsi. I sympathize with the politics, but the acting was awful and the whole stunt rather pointless (like so many Pepsi commercials).C-
The Levitra Challenge. Are there tires in the doctors' office?F
Oh, and speaking of Levitra: There were many times during the game when the ball spot had to be compared against the first down. The refs pull the chain taut to see if it reaches past the end of the football. Shouldn't that moment be sponsored by Levitra?
A horse farts. Why stop there? Why not shit all over the poor girl?F-
One in five kids will be an annoying busybody who works on public service ads.D
Charmin shows us creepy football player ass fondling and then tells us their tissue is "For Your End Zone." I guess this was the anal portion of the broadcast.F--
The movie Dimension. Made no sense at all. F
Pepsi ad with fat waitress. Lame.D-
A blonde boy is ... on drugs? Hello? What's going on? When did IBM turn to dot-com advertisers?F
Beach volleyball, girls go evens/odds to see who will fetch volleyball. The use of ro-sham-bo would have given this commercial a solid A.A-
The Secret Window. Here's a secret: Your movie sucks.F
Kids get their mouths washed out with soap when they swear in admiration at their parents' Chevys. Cute. B-
Lay's commercial features old people beating the crap out of each other and stealing each other's dentures. Mean-spirited, mocks old people as helpless ... what a disaster.F
Put AOL's internet accelerator on a wheelchair and it ... jumps straight up? This one sucked.D-
You inspire NFL players to read off cue cards.F
Evil Navigators Love Emerald Nuts? What?C
Vegas is Freedom!D+
Jack has to let contest winners use his jet, car, and motorcycle.D
Encouraging Norwegians Love Emerald Nuts. Hail Eris!C
All the playoff losers sing "Tomorrow". Funny. Why couldn't the "you inspire" players act this well?B+
We see Fiona in drawn white outlines because someone used an Outlook security hole to steal her normal look.D
Sweaty guy jumps in a pitcher of water. I've had it with the human bobbleheads!D-
Guy uses Expedia to avoid evil mimes. Stupid, has sex role cliches. I hate mimes.C+
Talking chimp hits on his owner's girlfriend. Stupid and creepy.D
Randy, king of the office supply underworld. "We all have needs."B
Cialis lasts 36 hours. Middle-aged couples stop short of doing it on my TV screen. I appreciate their forebearance.D
Another incoherent we-all-wake-up Monster ad.F
The movie Hidalgo. Guess what: It's jumbled and incoherent.D
Gillette Mach 3 Turbo will make you feel like a stud every day. What about the athletes with facial hair?D-
SBC Yahoo allows man to build model rocket. Funny, though not clear what SBC Yahoo had to do with anything.B
Tacoma cannot be destroyed! My friend Brian: "I'll bet it was driven by Toonces the cat."B+
SBC treats small business ... huh? What?D
Cadillacs have a weird rippling effect when driven. I will choose a more normal car.D-
Man drives racecar to catch up to girlfriend's plane and give her lipstick. "This isn't mine." Clever twist.B+
Must be tough being a designated driver.D-
What dot-com account bin did Honda get its raised-by-wolves ad from?D-
Mastercard: Homer Simpson. Not really that funny.B-
AOL Top Speed leads to time travel.C+
Ernhardt takes the handoff! Actually he could have been a blocker too. That would work.B
"We ID under 75." -- a Virginia band a friend of mine saw in our youth.D
Glass Freezepops are not for consumption. I hate this stuff on principle, but it was funny.B+
Can you slam dunk the 7-UP truck?A
The usual anti-drug ad.D
The Lady Killer. Tom Hanks does lowbrow urban slapstick?D-
Jimi Hendrix chooses between Pepsi and a guitar, or Coke and an accordion. Awesome.A
AIG makes a play to get us into the score zone!D
Subway informs us that it's not okay to misbehave after eating their food. This was getting a bad grade till they dragged in Wang Chung.B+



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